Why People Pleasers are Selfish

People PLeasers

Now I know when you read that title you thought, “what?” Let’s look at the reasons behind our need and want to please people. Don’t be mistaken, there is a difference between people pleasing and pleasing people. Let me explain…

  1. They will like me– The main reason we do things for people is to get validation for ourselves. It makes us feel good but rarely do we do it for genuine reasons. We seek the approval and want to hear the words that reinforce our “goodness”.

  2. Bank it— Yes, we all have this thought process that we are storing up the good acts and deeds so when we make mistakes we return to the bank and make a withdrawal of our goodness…For example, “I didn’t meet my friend at a gathering when I said I would, but she knows I’m always there for her like when her mother was ill, I went to the hospital.”

  3. I look amazing-– When we please others all of time, we take away from our authenticity of WANTING to do genuine things. I see a lot of people doing things they don’t want to do.

    Recently, while coaching a client, she stated she will go to a birthday party but didn’t want to stay that long. She explained to the friend, I will go but need to leave early as I have things to do the next day. She goes to the party, wants to leave and gets “guilted” into staying until the place closes.

    She then regretted it the next day. So she didn’t sincerely want to stay, and now she has resentment for herself and her inability to stay true to her needs. She also will avoid the next get-together so she doesn’t get pressured again. When we stop doing what others’ want, we can be more true to ourselves. 

Pleasing People

  1. I feel good about myself.

    Here’s the difference… if I love myself, I will do things that make me happy. Sounds simple enough right? If you truly love and value yourself, you do not act or speak in a way that needs validation or feedback from anyone. You will give of yourself and take time to do the gestures that make you feel satisfied at all times, without allowing guilt or anxiety to creep in if you don’t.

    Let me give you an example, “I WANT to spend time with my family, so I will call my mother and go visit and have a loving conversation” versus “I know I should visit my family more often, but I have a lot to do and can’t find the time, she’ll be mad if I don’t…”

  2. No ticker sheet

    If you are authentic, you will not keep tabs on all of the kind behaviors you have displayed. You will not make a list of everything you’ve done for others just to be able to regurgitate them at a later date. You will have this contentment and continuous instinct to “just do it”. You will spontaneously do things that you know would be valuable to others.

    For instance, if you read about a friend on social media going through a struggle in their life,  you call them and give encouragement. NOT because YOU need it, but because you felt they could use a sympathetic ear and you care about their well being.  

  3. Not a care in the world

    The most common dialect I hear in coaching is when a client states “so-and-so said this about me, or I’ve always been told I’m…”  We HAVE to stop caring what others think, speak, and believe about us.

    The first step is recognizing those tapes we play in our head from our programming. The repetitive negative thoughts and speech that have imbedded in our minds about ourselves continue to hold us back. We judge ourselves so harshly. In my book, “My Dog is More Enlightened Than I am,”  I write about our “heart guard.”

    This is the invisible barrier we need to steadfastly envision in front of us around our chest when we are around negativity. Block it and remember how amazing you are! 

         I hope everyone has a wonderful day! 
         Love and blessings,